Relaxing is really really hard!

And no, that's not a "Oh, poor me, my life is so hard, I haven't had to work in months, whatever shall I do" line.

I mean it, relaxing, as in "I am completely relaxed, I have no worries whatsoever, my mind is clear, I am in my zen mode" is hard.

Part of the therapy I'm doing is basically neuro feedback.  I come in, and my therapist puts this sticky goopy stuff on my forehead and behind my ears so he can attach the brain sensors.  I then see my brain waves on the computer, and it. Knows. Everything. It reacts when I'm talking, if I swallow, it even knows when I blink.  It reacts differently based on my facial expressions, my mood, what I'm thinking, everything.

Part of what I had to do was go through a list of tones, one that I liked and found relaxing, and another that annoys the living crap out of me.  I hear the annoying tone far more often, because my brain is having a tough time being where it's supposed to be.

There are a lot of different tests so far, and I know there's no way I've even seen them all yet.  One that, according to my therapist, I will see a lot, is a game that involves a monkey.  The object of the game is to have my monkey climb the coconut tree and get the coconut before the computer's monkey does.  If I am relaxed, my monkey will zoom up that tree and have his coconut.  But if I am not relaxed, the computer's monkey gets it first, and of course he holds the coconut high in the air in his triumph.  Stupid monkey...  I managed to beat it today, but that just means my therapist is gonna make it tougher next time.

And after I spend an hour trying to get my brain to relax, I leave the session utterly exhausted.  Today was only my second day doing it, and I'll be going three times a week, and I'm not sure how long I will be going.  But I do know this is important, cause after busting my brain, I've gotta get it all spun up again and train it.  It's gonna be a long road for this too, but I know I can do it.  I will beat that monkey again.

Important Back Story

I'm 27 years old, and enlisted in the Air Force for a little over 8 years now, and was a MWD (Military Working Dog) Handler for almost four of those years.  Although currently, I'm facing a MEB (Medical Evaluation Board) due to a fall I took down some concrete stairs back in September.  Gene Kelly made dancing on the stairs look so easy...

Actually, I have no memory of the fall, I don't even remember leaving my room, much less going down the stairs.  I was stationed in Turkey at the time, and it was early Sunday morning (around 2 am) when I was found unconscious at the bottom of the stairs by one of my fellow handlers.  I wasn't bleeding or showing any signs of injury, and when he shook me to wake me up, I apparently started cursing at him and told him to leave me alone.  He took this to mean as I'd just had a bit too much to drink at the club, (although I'd only had 2 or 3 beers) and got me back to my room.  The next memory I have is on Monday, and it is very, very sketchy.  When I didn't show up for work, my supervisor came looking for me.  He found me lying in bed, and I was difficult for him to wake up, and when I did, I was incoherent.  I remember seeing him, and then I remember being carried downstairs into an ambulance.

It turned out that I had a skull fracture, my brain was swelling, and I had internal bleeding, so I was taken into surgery.  Come to think of it, today's actually 7 months since the surgery.  Anyway, the doctor did what he had to do and saved my life.  I'm also very grateful to my supervisor, because the doctor said had he not come when he did, another hour and I'd have been gone.

Fast forward to today.  I'm back in Virginia living with my mom as I recover.  I'm seeing plenty of doctors and therapists at a TBI (Tramatic Brain Injury) clinic, and the MEB board has finally started.  Granted, it's gonna be very long before the decision is made, so I'll probably remain in the Air Force (under extremely limited duties) for another year or so.  Is it the way I wanted to go?  No, but again, I'm lucky to be alive, so I can't complain too much.

I'm thinking that I oughta carry a football helmet with me, just in case I come across some concrete stairs again.....

What to expect...

I've wanted to start one of these blogs for a while, and now, thanks to a nudge from my therapist, I'm finally getting around to it.  This blog will consist of the random stuff that pops in my head that could be related to pretty much anything.  For instance, how many Buffy/Angel actors also appeared in the tv series Supernatural?  I've seen like, five of them. 

There will also be some rants, because sometimes there are things that just get on my nerves.  I personally think it should be legal to carry a gun in your car just so you can shoot out the tires of some idiot who's texting on their phone while driving down I95.  (My therapist does not think this is a good idea.)

You're welcome to read this, and I will welcome any different opinions, as long as they are respectful.  This is mainly a therapy thing for me, so that I have a way to vent out my frustrations.  But don't worry, this blog won't be all negative, there'll be some funny stuff that will find it's way here as well, like my 70lbs dog who cowers during thunderstorms.  Again, comments are welcome, but please be respectful when doing so.  This is something my therapist suggested, and I'd really rather not deal with rude people here.

Thanks, and talk to y'all soon!