Relaxing is really really hard!

And no, that's not a "Oh, poor me, my life is so hard, I haven't had to work in months, whatever shall I do" line.

I mean it, relaxing, as in "I am completely relaxed, I have no worries whatsoever, my mind is clear, I am in my zen mode" is hard.

Part of the therapy I'm doing is basically neuro feedback.  I come in, and my therapist puts this sticky goopy stuff on my forehead and behind my ears so he can attach the brain sensors.  I then see my brain waves on the computer, and it. Knows. Everything. It reacts when I'm talking, if I swallow, it even knows when I blink.  It reacts differently based on my facial expressions, my mood, what I'm thinking, everything.

Part of what I had to do was go through a list of tones, one that I liked and found relaxing, and another that annoys the living crap out of me.  I hear the annoying tone far more often, because my brain is having a tough time being where it's supposed to be.

There are a lot of different tests so far, and I know there's no way I've even seen them all yet.  One that, according to my therapist, I will see a lot, is a game that involves a monkey.  The object of the game is to have my monkey climb the coconut tree and get the coconut before the computer's monkey does.  If I am relaxed, my monkey will zoom up that tree and have his coconut.  But if I am not relaxed, the computer's monkey gets it first, and of course he holds the coconut high in the air in his triumph.  Stupid monkey...  I managed to beat it today, but that just means my therapist is gonna make it tougher next time.

And after I spend an hour trying to get my brain to relax, I leave the session utterly exhausted.  Today was only my second day doing it, and I'll be going three times a week, and I'm not sure how long I will be going.  But I do know this is important, cause after busting my brain, I've gotta get it all spun up again and train it.  It's gonna be a long road for this too, but I know I can do it.  I will beat that monkey again.